Raising children is hard, important work and was never meant to be done by parents on their own.
Across cultures and history, grandparents, aunts, older siblings, and other members of the community have helped raise children - what anthropologists call “alloparenting”. In her excellent book Mothers & Others, Sarah Hrdy argues that this shared care was essential to the development of human cooperation and flourishing. Research in psychology has also linked stronger social support with fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety after childbirth (study).
Many of us are no longer living in close proximity to family, but still wish to raise our children in a “village.” Below are a handful of simple shifts you can make in your daily life that can bring you closer to this ideal. For more advice on this topic, I highly recommend the Substack The Family Commons.
Release perfectionism, embrace messiness
Having friends over for a casual dinner more frequently is way more conducive to community than only doing a rare, elaborate dinner party
It’s okay if your house is messy, if anything your friends will feel more comfortable bringing their kids over
Remember, you’re not trying to impress, you’re “doing the kid chaos together” as our friends like to say
Bringing families together inevitably means more conflict, more germs, and way more fun
Ask for advice
Ask friends for guidance before trying to find answers online (even on sites like mine!) - this is a chance to build connection
There’s nothing people love more than sharing their recs, for major things like potty training or lighter things like the best pumpkin patch in the area
Don’t be afraid to ask for tangible favors too, like a preschool dropoff one morning, or borrowing some baby gear for an upcoming trip. As Ben Franklin supposedly said “If you want to make a friend, let someone do you a favor.”
A friend of mine and her neighbor took turns watching their 4-year-olds for a few hours after school. On her days, my friend had an extra kid to look after, but the two kids usually kept each other enteratined. On her neighbor’s days, she got a few hours to herself.
Leave space for friends on weekends
This may seem counterintuitive, but having fewer fixed commitments (e.g. ballet class) means more opportunities to say yes to casual or impromptu invites
Our family has a policy of only doing extracurriculars during the week so we can keep our weekends open
If you do sign up for activities, optimize for ones that allow more socializing with parents, like sports
At the beginning of the year, our group of friends blocks off one weekend each month to spend together. We meet up with the kids one day and without them the other. Having it on the calendar in advance saves us the annoying scheduling back-and-forth.
Prioritize proximity
If you’re looking to move to a new home, put extra weight on being walking distance to friends. This might mean sacrificing on other fronts (square footage, work commute, etc) but it will pay dividends.
When you have kids, any incremental friction to getting together can have a big impact on how often you socialize
Let other people do things their way
You may have certain standards or routines that matter to you, but if Grandma serves a snack you wouldn’t buy or puts on an extra cartoon, just let that be part of how afternoons at Grandma’s go
Same with family friends’ houses - you don’t want people to feel judged or stressed to host you
Get to know the local parents you already see
It can be difficult to find time or energy during this phase of life to make new close friends - the kind you go on vacations with
But you can still make new friends that occupy a different, also wonderful space in your life - the parent friends you see regularly at the playground or pickup
You might never have these folks over for dinner, but by being friendly you can learn enough about each other’s lives and children that it feels really nice and less lonely
We run into our neighborhood parent friends all the time and we’re always looking out for each other’s kids and safety
We started a WhatsApp group with all the moms on our street and it’s been super helpful to have hyper local support (e.g. filling in a missing Halloween costume accessory, sharing leftover cupcakes, etc.)
I have a “note” on my iPhone where I often jot down the names of parents/nannies and their children that I meet at the playground, so I can remember them in the future
I’m often tempted at the school pickup line to chill on my phone, but when I put it down and instead chat with the parents near me, I’m always glad I did!
Treat nannies/babysitters as part of the village
We have a tendency to think of only friends/family as “the village” but paid caregivers are also a valued part of your community - it’s important to make them feel that way, and for your kids to sense it too.
For instance, we celebrate our nanny’s birthday and include her in our family’s birthday end-of-year videos. I also always try to leave a few extra minutes at handoff so we have time to catch up.
